Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
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I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
This trial is so absurd 😭
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.