So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
![]()
You Might Also Like
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
![]()
![]()
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.