So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
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I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.