Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
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“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Where is your GOD now????
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.
This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”
Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?