If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
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Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
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I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.