Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.
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Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.