God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
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gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
peeping toms
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’