[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
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In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.