Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
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[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn