My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
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If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Lmfao
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Meowchelangelo
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face