Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
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I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.