Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
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superman landing like a plane on his belly
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
My what?
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
New comic up. “Ransom”
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is