Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
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Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?