Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
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Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
584.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out