I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
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“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay