Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
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I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?