My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
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Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…