Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
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we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
i spent way too long on this
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Did my cat write this
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…