you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
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[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Rather alarming headline…
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Saturday
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
#NoRestForTheWicked
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.