@antoniodelotero

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

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@tylerschmall

Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.

@TheBoydP

Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.

@froghammer

A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes

@carlyken

me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight

him: sure how about a movie

me: cool you pick

[halfway through Teen Wolf]

me: you tricked me

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*

•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive

*JOB INTERVIEW*

INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.

@RealDMK

Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”

@JefeJK47

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

@Parkerlawyer

My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.

@TashyP_

I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.

@tastefactory

AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey