*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
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After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
drew a comic about my origin story
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline