Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
You Might Also Like
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey