*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*


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Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”

me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”


Me- “who’s the expert now?”


DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!


Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.


My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.


*First day as a forest ranger*

Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here

Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby

Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money


When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.


Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and


Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when


[showing off my distressed jeans]



Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.