Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
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DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
[showing off my distressed jeans]
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.