@antoniodelotero

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

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@HooeyDr

Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”

me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”

W-“no”

Me- “who’s the expert now?”

@actioncookbook

DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:

@xodeadlykissxo

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

@OakHill_

My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.

@Browtweaten

*First day as a forest ranger*

Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here

Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby

Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money

@EffiMai

When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.

@radtoria

Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

@_radsy

[showing off my distressed jeans]

jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH

@sixfootcandy

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.