In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
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My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.