The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
You Might Also Like
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
This is so me 😂😂
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.