person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
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My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Why is no one talking about this?!
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok