I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
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PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”