I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
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Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Broom by every window for quick escape.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
broke down and did it
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best