Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
You Might Also Like
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron