My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
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I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
What the dentist sees
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.