dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
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The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets