The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
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Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
A drum solo but on your face.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.