Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
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“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out