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Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents