Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
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Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year