I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
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Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.