Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
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Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
good for her
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative