Her: My baby is 28 months old.

Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?

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do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d

*club goes nuts*


Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?


[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine


Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!


*me at Target*

“Hey baby, you want some of this?”

*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*

Her: *calls security*

~Flirting is so hard


Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell


President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.


[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?


RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (has a degree in computer science): No