There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
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[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)