Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
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*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.