me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
You Might Also Like
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
my proudest tweet
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
guys I’m going home
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen