Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.

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I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.


Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.


[interview at Bass Pro Shops]

So, tell me a little about yourself.

Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!


*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker


I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.


” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”



Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.


Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.

*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*


[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.


I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!