Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
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I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
live long and prosper!
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
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nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works