Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
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BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
me adding lol on a serious message
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
just pretend nothing happened
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”