Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
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That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Fiction has to make sense.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Oh we’ve met.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID