Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
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Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
#math
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?