that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
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I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
All food is good if you spell it wrong
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny