I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
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what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.