The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
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A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
The game has officially changed 😎
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that