[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
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[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.