FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
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Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit