30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
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This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
When you can’t find your friend Neil
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?