Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
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In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.