People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
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It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant