[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
You Might Also Like
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Well, this explains it:
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!